What can you
specifically do to increase the odds of saving the marriage?
So often the
offended spouse reacts with intense feelings and pulls out all stops to “win her
pressure. Begs. Cajoles. Makes promises. Gets in her face. Sends flowers.
Arranges for dates. Talks to her family and friends. Calls her on the phone.
Asks questions… daily, sometimes hourly. He is on her like a fly on doo-doo.
work.Why? Well, for one reason she has found all the stimulation and excitement
she supposedly needs in her new found “love.”
At a deeper level
this is confusing enough for the cheating husband or cheating wife. Any
additional input will be overwhelming and she is liable to close the door on the
marriage even further. Plus, she is really looking for some stability, some
solid centered core that will hold her firm when the wind of drama entices her
and blows around her.
If you bombard her
with your neediness, you are certainly not the person who can help her in ways
she really seeks.
She also is liable
to create a polarity and begin comparing you to him. With your neediness
dripping all over you, you don’t stand a very good chance of coming out on top.
Here’s a tactic
that helps solve the dilemma and gives you a greater chance of saving the
marriage.It’s called “back off!”
Stop pressing. Slow
down the pace. Be silent – most of the time. Stop making requests. Stop asking
questions. Stop trying to wiggle out some assurance. Stop being a
Remember, this “in
love” state will fade. You need to have the confidence that it will. You need
patience. The relationship will run its course.
She needs the
space. She needs some quiet moments to truly hear herself and face the emptiness
within. There will be a voice within her that says, “This will not last. Is this
what I really want? At some time I must live in the real world. Where is this
taking me? Is this where I really want to go? Why am I so dependent on him? Why
do I feel this empty pit in my stomach when I’m not with him? What does this say
This is her
opportunity to learn about TRUE love. Don’t get in her way.
I know. I know.
This is easier said than done. But, you must do it. It is vitally important that
you learn to quiet yourself, control yourself and keep on the straight and
At this point with
those I coach, I teach them a skill called "charging neutral" to help "back
off." Use that skill.This will take some effort. It might take some coaching or
therapy. It most likely will demand that you get to know yourself better, that
you gain more confidence in you – apart from what she does with him – that you
build a strong foundation under yourself that can weather any storm.
This is your
opportunity to grow to another level.
Oh, by the way. She
will notice! And….she might like it.
Backing off does
not mean that you don’t have anything to do with her. Quite the contrary. You
want to maintain your contact with her, but it will be QUALITY contact. It will
be contact that does honor to you, confronts her with the reality of her
decisions and works toward resolution for the marriage.
Summary: Less often
means more when facing emotional infidelity. Learning a specific skill such as
"backing off" enhances one's chance to save the marriage.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The
Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal
from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity.
Check out his
Free From The Affair."
For one on one infidelity coaching click here.